I mended an old friendship this weekend, and I'm so glad that I did.
Caasi and I had been friends since age 16 when we shelved books together at the small library where we worked. Being the only two weirdos in town, we immediately took to each other. In college we roomed together, and at that time it seemed our lives took us in opposite directions. The friendship ended quite dramatically during a time of upheaval for us both, and I remember being so disturbed by it that when she would knock on the door I would begin to tremble. We had been so close that it was like going through a divorce. But at the time it was easy for me to walk away.
Recently I've felt that I'm in a pretty comfortable place in life, but I felt that my life was lacking something without this particular friend. She was one of a kind -- completely irreplaceable. Never since this friend was I able to really be myself. We could let our bizarre selves shine, completely oblivious to the world's judgments. Nothing was too weird to frighten her, in fact she was more likely to shock me with her envelope-pushing ways. In this increasingly conservative world, I missed our long uncensored talks. I felt very bad for having been too shy to comfort her more when her Midwestern Christian parents tried to convert her from lesbianism and her alternative spiritual path, making her feel like an unwanted disappointment, when family was everything to her. It was hard on her, and I didn�t do all that I could have to help her get through it, at a time when she needed me the most. I wrote her off as being crazy and irrational instead of understanding what was making her that way, and she probably wrote me off as cold when I was really just too shy to talk about it. But several years have passed since then, and now that both of us have achieved some measure of stability and inner peace, we realized we missed each other. Both of us felt like we�d left something valuable behind and it was high time we mended it.
So she drove up from Santa Cruz this weekend and we had such a blast! I was reminded how much we have in common, and what a spirited pair we are. We're both happier now than we were years ago. We both changed and grew so much, and in similar directions it seems. Both of us finally allowed ourselves to become the people we always were on the inside. Maybe it�s not so bad to let one�s demons roam free. Maybe it�s a part of growing up�learning to get over your fear of yourself.
Now I know we're both here to stay.
It�s good to have her back.
5:07 p.m. - 2006-05-30