have to be so tough.
the truth is i'm not well. i'm tired of feeling this way. i'm tired of being victimized and then accused. i think i will join my cousin, to a place where it doesn't matter. they'll all forget soon. no harm done. i won't have to suffer and they won't have to be angry with me for whatever it is i have done. i was so terrible wasn't i, being me. my fault was caring. the caring has turned to apathy. i'm so tired. i want to go home but there is no home. my friend has schizophrenia. she was my only authentic friend and now illness has taken her, and me a little bit with it. my husband...i can't think of this, i just want to run away. i can't make a noise. i cry silently. i hide in the closet. nothing can break. the neighbors might hear. someone might think me unstable. i might lose friends. they might talk. nowhere to escape. i can't make more mistakes. i physically can't support the pain it causes me. please... stop making me hurt. please, stop. don't worry about me, i'm trying, i'm trying not to be dangerous to myself, but i am not as strong as you think. i'm just like my suicidal cousin, just like him, except with me nobody knows, making me more like the other cousin who is no longer with us. everyone was so surprised. she had everything, everything...
1:22 p.m. - 2008-02-09