I am 8 years old again. Silent not to make it worse. Stay silent, you'll be free soon. You can leave when you are 18. Cry silently as possible. Hide in the dark. When yelled at, when things are being smashed, don't show emotion, don't cry, stare between the eyes, on the forehead. This is my idea of strength. Strength to endure without making a sound. Like a samurai. To cut open my own organs without showing pain. This is honor. No sound. Avoid, tiptoe, don't speak. This is the only way to stay safe with the unstable. Know that it will be okay because you are leaving it up to fate.
Fate?! What about taking matters into my own hands? You're not leaving it up to fate, you are leaving it up to HIM. He's changed some, so what? I need to think of a new method out.
When he left it was easy to move on. I knew he cheated and I reminded myself every day of why I was better off without him. For the part of myself that missed him and wanted him back I did this: I improved my life dramatically every day, every minute. I knew if I was happy, if I was having more fun than him, if I was lovely, he would come back. This worked in two regards. My anger was redirected to make my life become awesome--out of spite, but it worked! And, he came back. He came back begging. He now won't let me break up with him, but come to think of it, he didn't then either. HE wanted to be the one to say it, otherwise it didn't count.
To be continued, he is asking me who I am writing to......
8:28 p.m. - 2013-04-19