. oh hi diaryland .

As a kid, I had no strict rules. I had guidelines, which were obvious, and which I honored mainly to be considerate rather than be motivated by fear of punishment. Punishment tended to arrive at random by no fault of mine, except on rare occasion, and even then it seemed like the punishment was more about my mom's stress release of rage she had toward my dad who wasn't being attentive enough to her emotional needs, of which she probably had a few extra than average..

Some days she was an incredible mom, but the days she wasn't, she was a terrifying monster. I'm really grateful I had the exact mom I did, though. Even though it damaged parts of me, even though I'm sure it would feel nice to have a mom who was able to be a mom, instead of a someone suffering from severe mental illness.

That kind of childhood experience produced who I am, and probably, how I relate to people or who I connect with out of familiarity and comfort. Maybe people think 'My god! She's gone crazy running off with that guy.' But they don't know that crazy has been my normal my entire life. I don't even realize I'm doing it, bonding with people they think I shouldn't bond with.

My therapist said that being the daughter of someone with my mom's condition is one of THE most difficult life circumstances for an individual to overcome.

So considering that, I've done really, really incredible top notch A+ work at being a functional adult, and I even enjoy some privileges gained from smart decisions i made in my late teens and early twenties. I'm getting better at handling emotions I think, or maybe the traumas I've had are beginning to wear off a little. I've been analyzing them always, but recently I noticed some things I had overlooked, and viewed them in a different way. They say you can re-write your story about you in your head. That wasn't my intent, but I just realized some things, like I cannot believe how many of our needs and rights we give up for male comfort. Does that sound radical to you? It's how I truly feel.

Anyways, I'm rambling. It's early but I couldn't sleep because I had a really stressful PMS nightmare and then my cat was up and meowing to make sure I didn't drift back to sleep and get the rest I need for once.

The marijuana hemp milk I took after the nightmare is starting to hit hard so I best go back to sleep now.

It's been nice writing again. Thanks for reading.