I don't cry for him the way I used to. I used to fall on the floor sobbing because he hurt me. My entire body used to hurt from the feeling of heartbreak.
Now I cry because I hate him, and the tears are few, I don't fall on the ground as if the floor would save me from pain staying by my side while it felt like my soul couldn't house more pain.
Now I sit comfortably, observing the feeling of tears on my face. It's almost all I can feel anymore, other than a light haze of anger. Not even a profound anger, but a soft anger. Two or three tears fall, each one a brief passing whisper of hate for how he treated me. Then I do something else, and forget. I'm forgetting him. There is sadness in that. But it's the only way I can save myself.
Today I'm thankful for espresso, marijuana, and the little pot of mugwort lotion that my thoughtful caring friend made for me. Life feels a little heavier today, but manageably heavy. I can still stand under this weight. I can use it as my creative muse. It's not useless to me. There is always going to be pain. But I have a feeling that the upcoming cycle i've been working toward is going to carry me into a better state, with more good days than bad, which is how it's been going lately without him.
When I think about my other exes, I have zero desire for them. When they come back I feel a vague sense of annoyance and little more, in such contrast to how deeply I once loved before they broke my heart. I know the feeling well enough to observe it happening again. The slow disintegration. The tears turning to anger turning to nothing, and then a new lover arises and the whole process begins again with happiness and love for a worthwhile amount of time.
I feel like I should grieve the loss of feeling for him. But I also feel like I've grieved enough from his presence, and his many abandonments in times when it really mattered. He has lost his power over me. I don't know exactly why that thought makes me sad. Maybe because its the loss of an illusion that I really wanted to be true. Or that it means I am on my own and must accept my own power instead of relying on someone else's. When someone else is steering the ship, I have the illusion of being able to relax, and if they fail at steering it doesn't feel like my fault because they wanted to play captain. But they always end up lost at sea, occasionally washed back to my shore, a love note all bottled up with a cork, floating in shallow water. They end up nothing more than a forgettable glitch in the timeline.
My guy friend (who made similar mistakes in his relationship) came to me for support after discovering his ex now has a boyfriend 8 months later. An 8 month delay in feelings! He was clearly suffering at this knowledge. The next day I saw a video of his ex performing to his music. (What an awkward thing to have to do, for both.) I watched his face watching her, and her reaction to him. Her reaction said EVERYTHING. She turned away from him and produced the kind of smile you make when something uncomfortable or gross happens, with a bit of "whatever dude" in her brow. It was recognizable and obvious and I think everyone in that room knew what it was about.
This is about where its headed with my ex or whatever he is deciding he is at this point. He changes so often I've stopped trying to understand it.
I have reached the "whatever dude" stage.
3:34 p.m. - 2018-05-23