My stubbornness has made a welcome and much needed reappearance, right where I need it. Sometimes I want to give up and cry but I'm still maintaining focus 100% no matter what.
My ex called and texted four times between 3 and 4 am, whatever that means. It probably just means he was drunk and that I should block him but for some reason I'm leaving the lines open just in case he says something profound that tells me that he's grown or is interested in trying to be a better person or making a meaningful commitment to me which is the only thing that will make him worth responding to. In honesty I doubt it will happen. Even if he really feels that way, he's too stupid to ever admit it. But I'm not budging unless he makes that effort.
I dreamed I was in the photography room in high school and my teacher remembered me and recommended I join the theater for a production, and said it was totally ok for me to do even though I graduated a very long time ago. I was so happy to see him again and he was happy to see me. It was nice to feel cared about and encouraged again. My mom drove me there nearly killing several pedestrians without any concern for human lives so I just held on to the car tightly and hoped for the best. We walked together on campus in the sunlight past the football field and everything was much more beautiful than I remembered. "I was happy here," I said, smiling tearfully. The rest of the dream was not accompanied by my mom. I talked to an office admin who I vaguely remembered and I was supposed to follow her somewhere but I didn't hear everything she said and I looked away for a moment and lost her. So I wandered rooms at my own pace and noticed a student art gallery with pretty legit interactive contemporary art. Wow, I thought. This school is a lot better now than when I was here. The student artist explained his work to me, instructing me to read the writing on the floor and push the foot pedal on the ground which inflated two pieces of the art on the wall. My vision was too blurry to see the words so I just pushed the foot pedal. All the students lounging around campus seemed creative and cool and content with very expressive outfits that were almost oddly fashionable for teenagers, especially for teenagers at my school.
I woke up from the dream wondering if I should give theater a try.
4:48 p.m. - 2018-05-30