Been crawling through the last 2 years and unless impeachment happens, this will drag on for 2 more years of my life. The last years of my thirties. I don't wanna waste this time, and I know I'm capable of much more than I'm doing right now. But I'm also just trying to get by on a spiritual level during a time that maybe isn't our country's most glorious. It all gets to me.
I'm at a crossroads in life. I need to plan my time for the long term because boys keep standing in the way of my progress somehow. Love, or sex somewhat, throws me off balance and burns up my limited energy defending my basic needs to be valued, respected, and heard. Even the nicest men drop occasional sexist remarks and it destroys my spirit to understand that men can't ever understand, and most don't even care to. So I've been just going without sex as much as possible, most of the time.
A girlfriend would be alright but I never feel ready to open up anymore. I've become really distant, it's terrible. But, I'm mostly doing okay or good in my solitude. After a few days of it I reach acceptance and then it becomes enjoyable and I become more happy, both alone & socializing. (my introvert superpower)
I wonder how many years of my life I've wasted just trying to explain things to men. I still think it's important, I'm just losing motivation because it always feels like a lost cause, and energy I could have used for, say, professional endeavors. I keep wanting a different conclusion but it has started to feel like i'm making excuses for them each time I exchange my self respect to cuddle with a warm body for a little while. How I'd love to melt in bed with someone but it always seems to come at the price of my well-being.
It's okay though, I'm fairly dead inside by now anyway so it doesn't hurt like it used to. Unfortunately my passion went away with my soul in some ways. Romance no longer feels possible with the amount of jaded I am. I hate that I've grown cynical. But I think its a blessing in disguise and one that protects me when scoundrels try to pounce.
I'd really, really, love to put the patriarchy in its place, for all womankind. We could definitely stand to lose probably 50% of the men roaming the planet comprised of rapists, sexists, misogynists, wife beaters, mansplainers, deadbeat dads, murderers, fuckboys & bigots. We can colonize the moon with them or something can't we? The remaining 50% can stay if they keep themselves useful but they'll need female references to pass. Then we'll have a large majority and can launch the matriarchy! I'm ready for it!
9:03 p.m. - 2018-11-29