Lately I realized that every time I had an anxious feeling about a man, I thought I was going crazy, and they tried to convince me I was, but every single time my intuition was proven correct. How I wish I'd been wrong, just once. I trust my gut now, 100%.
Overall, I find men to be frustratingly lacking in depth, but alright as lighthearted companions. I still have like 3 or 4 men I hang out with sometimes but rarely or never have sex with, for various reasons of mine.
I spend the majority of my time alone because I need so much time in between to breathe. I love my own company. I feel like I'm just using them for the occasional social element. Poor dudes. They're all talking about love or my body, and I'm just like, 'well, I have nothing better to do today, so... sure.'
That's cold isn't it.
Men taught me how. They took a girl once full of trust and pure overflowing love, and sucked it out like vampires and now I'm fun but cold as fuck. That girl is much older and wiser now in the ways of men.
That makes them sound cunning, but really they're not. They think they know, but they don't even begin to grasp even half of who we are. Or they cripple their emotions to deliberately avoid connection with anything feminine because they're so insecure about the judgments of other men. But then they're just...crippled, and useless to us. Men take most of the fun out of it for me, but I still try here and there, because I feel like that's what humans are supposed to do. Because who knows, maybe someone will surprise me one day.
But maybe I only want friendships in this life. Men always want something more resembling a mommy they can fuck. (To varying degrees.) But the older I get, the less I care. I see younger women where I was, and I feel sad, because they are stressed but don't yet want to admit that perhaps it is their beloved boyfriend taking more than he gives. I see it so often, but I say nothing. Maybe that's part of the problem. We're all too effing nice. We don't want to break up anyone's delusions. Because we'd like to believe in their delusion too. I'm sure there's at least a few lovely ones out there. But for me? Who cares anymore really. I've already directed my enthusiasm toward other things.
I'm still trying to decide which person to spend Valentines nonsense with though. I might prefer to spend it with myself. But maybe a little bit of delusion is fun now and then? All things in moderation, perhaps...
10:59 p.m. - 2020-02-12