Crying as quietly as possible while he sleeps on my couch. He was in another of his bad moods this morning. Yes, I made the mistake of believing his story about how much healthier he is now at his new job and now I regret letting him come over for dinner on valentines day, seemingly just to sleep on my couch and eat my food and complain that I offered him free unlimited tea instead of coffee, and that I have no clean plates. It's my house and my food, but he always forgets and starts taking over everything and making entitled-sounding demands. It's no fun to be around.
I always miss my solitude when he's here. But he made me buy groceries last night so now I'm stuck with all these expensive meats he wanted to cook and if I make him leave they'll rot in my fridge because I don't like handling meat or cooking it. I don't want to waste it, so I probably won't send him home until the dumb thing is cooked.
Looking at the positives, like 5 other people invited me out this weekend. So, if I don't let his moods seep into mine, I can drag myself out and do something that doesn't involve hiding in bed like a prisoner in my own home.
I'm so tired right now. But the sun is out and it's beautiful outside. I'll get to see it, eventually.
I did some psychology reading about how femininity feels threatening to the masculinity of an insecure man. It described every relationship I've had. The more I've embraced my femininity outwardly in my appearance, the more angry it seems to make men toward me. It's bizarre.
There was also an interesting point that women experience femininity as something they are physically born as, while in many cultures, masculinity is something that is earned so insecure men feel the need to constantly prove their masculinity to other men by being whatever they see as the opposite of femininity. Since masculinity is more privileged, men have more to lose. This explains why some men get so argumentative around words like "feminism." The femininity of the word itself makes insecure men feel threatened.
Having formerly been more androgynous in my aesthetic presentation, I made a personal choice a long time ago to not criticize things just because they are feminine, and to pay attention to every time I or someone implied things such as 'pink is too girly' (therefore bad), or 'i don't like female vocalists' (because feminine voices), or 'dresses are stupid' (because women wear them), or 'fashion/makeup/etc is stupid' because they're traditionally the domain of women.
Sidenote, makeup in ancient times didn't used to be gendered and used to be worn by men and women. It was the English church that made it a "sin" to 'enhance one's femininity' by using makeup, punishable by being burned at the stake for the crime of "witchcraft." So they made lots of paintings in churches of devils putting makeup on women burning in hell to scare women into submission. Talk about male insecurity.
That is why I am not ashamed to wear makeup or flaunt the fuck out of my femininity, and I don't care if anyone doesn't like it because it's my body therefore a personal choice -- I absolutely do not care what anyone else chooses to do with their bodies, male or female. Probably because I'm secure in my femininity. Define your own femininity as you see fit. I trust women can think for themselves and make their own choices, which won't look the same for everyone, and that's a good thing.
Other sidenote, I understand criticism of makeup corporations but let's not shit on woman entrepreneurs and woman-owned beauty companies? If you enjoy makeup, it's not hard to find woman-owned brands. Of course, if you don't like makeup, don't wear it. It's as optional as candy. I happen to really enjoy eyeliner (because my ex commanded me NOT to wear it) but also that's just how I choose to express femininity. There's a million ways you can express it, that's just one I find fun, in addition to being a way of honoring ancient priestesses of the pre-patriarchal world in the near east, middle east, north africa, and precolonial americas. Puritanism never appealed to me, but if you like it, go ahead and rock it. I'm all for whatever.
I just would be so happy if everyone was secure enough to let everyone do what they choose with their own damn bodies.
Anyway, that rant made me feel a little better.
Today I'll try to make the best of the things I can't change. I'll probably meditate, take a short nap if I can, and just try to eat well and count my blessings like my life depends on it. My quality of life certainly does.
12:05 p.m. - 2020-02-15