I liked it better when the Alcoholic lived with his best friend because he was preoccupied so I could focus on myself and didn't need to worry about him. Too bad his friend doesn't speak to him anymore because the Alcoholic couldn't control his violent temper...
Why do I still feel guilty though? With him I get emotional manipulation and risks to my health and safety. Yet there is a pandemic going on and he may be homeless at the end of the month. Why is everything my responsibility? Doesn't he have anyone else who can help? I want to be single and I should have a right to be alone at any time I choose. Why do I feel like I can't? Why do I have to feel like it's my fault if he ends up homeless? (Probably because he wants me to feel that way.)
When he stayed here several days it was hard to get him to participate in healthy activities that had become my routine. I always had to initiate and there was so much resistance. It was very demotivating. It reminded me of when I was married and felt like my spouse wasn't carrying his own emotional weight. I was exhausted from constant emotional labor, but that term hadn't been popularized yet. Men expect me to be their mommy. And then my quality of life suffers because they latch onto me and never leave me alone. Then I am blamed. God I am tired of it.
Easy fix! Just opt out, right? Okay. But if he dies it'll be my fault. Why would I think that? Well, probably because always tells me he'll kill himself. What if he really does? Yeah he's manipulative but he's also kind of insane enough to do something like that. I can't imagine him killing himself intentionally but an overdose doesn't seem unlikely. I also always worry about his love of drunk fights because one day his opponent might have a knife or a gun. He's always so full of surprises. :/
None of this should be my problem. I have a masters degree and a house. I made generally smart decisions in life, so why would I hold myself back worrying about how this guy is destroying himself and stressing me out.
I don't want to go back into 'what is wrong with me for staying' territory because that wasn't productive. I now know that I was happier and healthier for 6 months alone, even in a pandemic, even with no socializing. I need to just cut ties but I'm scared of what he'll do. So I guess I'm still in the same cycle. But 6 months was great progress, so next time I'll try to go longer. 9 month goal? Like a pregnancy. A rebirth of myself...
I feel stronger today than yesterday. I managed to eat breakfast, and meditated with the sun on my face. I think as much as I want to be the hero I need to just accept that I can't save anyone. We can only save ourselves.
10:48 a.m. - 2020-07-22