Lion's mane, ashwagandha, and saffron coffee are my lovers today.
I'm surviving on the few crumbs that people can give me, but I think I deserve so much more than crumbs when I'm hungry. I feel the most lonely after being with people, so maybe it's not necessarily that I'm lonely but that they don't fulfill me, so I feel worse than if I hadn't talked to them at all. It's not their fault. I think I give more than I take so relationships make me feel perpetually starving. When I'm lonely I have options but they're all pretty weak: This alcoholic or that one? This poly person in a relationship or that fuckboy? This emotionally absent workaholic or that one? It's hard to get excited about crumbs, but I need to talk to someone sometimes, right? I absolutely settle, just to break up the monotony once in awhile, to see if I'm missing anything. Meh.
I think it's time to connect with some new people and have some new experiences and new conversations. That probably involves a little bit of risk taking and 2020 has me feeling more fearful than adventurous, but maybe I'm ready for a new chapter.
Or I need to just embrace being a hermit again because that was kind of working really well for awhile. I want hugs though, so I don't know how that's supposed to work.
I need a wife.
10:37 a.m. - 2020-10-23