I can't believe I talked for two hours to the sober former fuckboy. He's become very romantic toward me, for a sustained amount of time now, which is nice I guess. He says time flies so fast when we talk, and that he wants to cook for me, and stuff. I feel neutral. I think it's healthy to talk to someone and there's probably no harm in just talking. I'm currently trusting myself to allow myself to be a little more open toward men who aren't the Alcoholic. It makes the time pass quicker and distracts me from pandemic and helps me forget my fury and sadness toward the Alcoholic. I think at this point any interaction is better than zero. I may as well just enjoy the opportunity to talk without needing to fuck anyone. This is a chance to learn people's personalities before jumping into bed, a nice long careful screening period before deciding. Men sure act sweet when they're sex deprived and haven't seen me in a year! I guess that gives me the upper hand. I've been experimenting with a more dominant way of communicating to men sexually, and they're being surprisingly receptive. I get a little kick out of discovering I can tame a very masculine alpha type into saying or doing things they probably never did before, and I think they like it, like its a secret side of themselves they can't show in the world, so its just as much of an experiment for them, to trade our previous roles a little. If I don't get anything else out of sex, I may as well get a confidence boost from experimenting with dominance, right? It's like creative play, in a way. Whatever makes the days easier, I'm trying it.
11:17 p.m. - 2021-01-03