I appreciate this peace and quiet. I keep remembering how much unhappier I was for the second half of this decade, flashbacks of all the times I wasted crying on the floor trying to drink myself into the grave over men with a superficial view of women and love. It literally had nothing to do with me that they were selfish or emotionally stunted, because if it wasn't me it'd be someone else, and was. The other women were wise to escape.
Remember the time I was physically assaulted at a show while dancing, by a woman I never met because it turned out the guy I was dating was dating her at the same time? And then slut shamed by her friend for trusting the liar enough to kiss on the first date? Yeah, I don't miss men. I heard she became extremely religious and left the country and got married after that. I'm more likely to become an asexual lesbian cat-lady on a womens separatist commune, but I can relate. Same problem, different solutions.
It's still a relief to be in refuge away from humans. Overall, I still find it easier to cope alone and be my own solo support system. I love not shaving my legs anymore. It's nice to not need to exist for the sexual consumption of men, to not cater to male fantasy or to cater to their emotional needs which are rarely reciprocated. Some bring joy wherever they go, others, whenever they go. Lol.
I have however been feeling a sense of community with certain people I've always admired. This experience has made very clear who is worth keeping and who to let go. I understand with who I belong, who empathizes with my experiences, who copes with challenges in healthy ways. As the cloud of addicts fade away into the background, I am more able to discern the good people who were here for me all along. I've been sitting on a pile of gold this whole time, blinded and distracted by false people. Silly me.
Addiction, as it has manifested in certain loved ones, is the saddest thing, much sadder than my sense of being betrayed by them. To be forced to bear witness to someone killing themselves in slow motion, to watch them slowly torture themselves... I have to excuse myself from that shitty dinner party. There are better places for me. They'll kill themselves with addiction with or without me, so I'm changing the channel, putting the phone down, and the next time they come back I don't need to open the door. Just because they hurt themselves, doesn't mean I need to hurt myself by watching their self-inflicted horror show.
I want the next decade to be full of kind gentle good hearted people. I think I can be smarter about how I navigate life in the future, knowing now what to avoid and which paths are safer. I'm proud of me for withstanding some serious trauma and not giving up on healing, even in the face of the hardest challenge, letting go of love, that at least on my end, was real and deep and forgiving -- but unhappy.
I have a happy relationship with myself. Maybe one day I'll be able to share that with someone who doesn't have a childish impulse to break my sandcastle, but I'm not looking for that, because I'm content with my life here and now. Not unscathed by the past, but grateful to no longer be in the eye of the storm. And next time I'll remember to heed the wise warnings in my dreams instead of following my heart! Hearts are stupid! Intuition is wise.
9:42 a.m. - 2021-01-10