I ignored Sobergoth's texts last night. Didn't feel like catering to horny men in any way. Wanted to just be. Maybe he did his covid test and it was negative. Despite being alone and not having sex in a very long time, somehow I didn't care. I didn't want to be asked again to video chat or told how sexy I am when I shave. So I didn't.
He accidentally got someone pregnant in September, who had a miscarriage. Bit of a mood killer.
Getting pregnant in covid is my worst nightmare. Getting an infection or std during covid is also my worst nightmare. Getting my heart broken (again) during covid is another worst nightmare.
The pros? I'd get to have sex with an attractive man who can't make me orgasm but might make me dinner. Meh. Not worth it. I'm still not lonely enough I guess! How wild.
I guess I discovered my superpower over the past year. I can be alone for vast stretches of time and feel fine. That's neat. Would make kind of a weird superhero, but. Pretty useful skill these days.
10 years ago me would have had much more anxiety and more intense feelings about everything in general. One nice thing about being older and jaded, things don't hurt as much. What once might have felt like the end of the world now comes out in the form of a sigh. All the arbitrary men in my orbit would have had more control of my emotions and I would have felt more obligated to please them. I'm glad not to feel that way anymore.
I wonder what it would actually take for me to fall in love with one of these guys. I guess I'd have to believe that they loved me for my soul and could say that out loud. I'd need to be convinced that they wanted me and no one else and that they'd do anything to get me and keep me happy. And that they wouldn't turn out to be selfish jackasses. Otherwise, why bother. I've wasted enough of my life on men to be satisfied for a lifetime.
No helicopters yet today and the sun is shining and I had good dreams all week.
An old Radiohead song just popped into my head out of nowhere, probably because the lyrics are so fitting for my current mood, and actually perfectly accurate 2021 vibes in general. Go ahead and judge my melancholic 90s nostalgia, but tell me this isn't a January 2021 mood:
I'm on a roll
I'm on a roll this time
I feel my luck could change
Kill me Sarah
Kill me again with love
It's gonna be a glorious day
Pull me out of the air crash
Pull me out of the lake
'Cause I'm your superhero
We are standing on the edge
The head of state has called for me by name
But I don't have time for him
It's gonna be a glorious day!
I feel my luck could change
Pull me out of the air crash
Pull me out of the lake
'Cause I'm your superhero
We are standing on the edge
We are standing on the edge...
(And the unresolved note it ends on, an unfinished story. What will happen next? I never noticed the artistic perfection of that ambiguous ending. A small yet genius detail.)
10:20 a.m. - 2021-01-15