I finally caved and joined the masses who watch netflix and I've become extremely obsessed with an excellent Turkish series called The Gift. I'll probably cancel netflix again after I finish this series because I'm a weirdo who prefers real life experiences and generally avoids tv like it's an std.
I wish it didn't bother me when people are passive aggressive or give off competitive vibes because they're unhappy and want me to be unhappy too, or whatever their deal is. Covid really amplified that vibe and I'm just too tired of a person to respond to tantrums anymore, even mild ones.
I think they assume I'm happy all the time and shitting gold even though technically, I live below poverty line, but you'd never know it because I'm a creative person who can make anything look good with a little thread or paint, and I meditate or get stoned or journal when I'm triggered, so no one sees when I have a bad day. I don't feel like I should need to explain myself and my entire back history every time I breathe, so people make assumptions because it's easier to blame than change themselves.
The people who are throwing tantrums every five minutes have obviously never been poor before. They obviously never lived in section 8 projects like I did. For a lot of people this is their first ever experience not being able to pay rent or needing to think of creative solutions to a limited food budget. The people who throw shade don't know that I housed a homeless person this year or that the fancy foods I've attained came from my dad's garden. They don't know about my abortion, my relationship with an alcoholic, my homeless missing mother, my rape, my struggles. You know why? Because I don't take those things out on other people. I handle my shit so that my shit doesn't hurt others.
After covid I think my whole friend circle will shift. I've been taking mental notes of how everyone has handled themselves under pressure and treated each other. People make their true selves glaringly transparent in a crisis. Having a long social time-out has helped me clearly see that the people who have the fight response under stress, or act erratic, have kind of always been like that, I just chose not to see it and treaded lightly around their anger issues.
I don't know exactly how the future will look, but I know who will be there with me as equals, and who won't have a seat at my table.
To some I give leeway, if I've communicated that their anger is unnecessary and they actually acknowledged with self awareness that they have certain issues that are challenging patterns to overcome. That's respectable. They may or may not have a seat at my table, but they're not banned from my life. Self awareness is key.
Not really surprising but some of the friends who are definitely keepers are the ones who have been in my life since childhood. I don't need to explain myself to them because they already know where I come from and the work it took to get here. They know I am loyal to a fault and they don't abuse it. I also notice that the friends I met through a shared love of music and art are the ones with healthy hobbies and therefore better coping skills. Also keepers.
I realize my diary has become looping thoughts over and over but my life's gonna continue to be fairly repetitive and new experiences are limited as long as covid is a thing. I'm okay with it.
Grateful today for sunlight, a new president (!!!), and my sweet animal babies.
7:51 a.m. - 2021-01-21