A tweaked out shirtless man was running back and forth in front of my building so my ex had to dodge him like a video game to get inside to deliver my homesick cat. Welcome to my neighborhood! Yeah, that's normal here. (And its been this way long before dystopia began for most other people.)
File under: things that didn't change during pandemic. My neighborhood is as bad as it always has been. I started gravitating toward hermit life about four years ago, because for me, that's when things started becoming scarier. When people started complaining in 2020 I had to wonder where they'd been for the past four years in particular.
My friend wants to schedule a phone chat days in advance and I'm weirdly nervous because I suppose I fear committing to anything too far in advance, but then I don't really like surprise calls either, or talking when I'm in full on winter hibernation mode, or talking on the phone, period. I'm hopeless. She also wants to talk in the evening but I sleep very early now and I'm also usually stoned by sundown, so, I am not sure I'll be my best conversational self. I'll probably try to suggest turning it into a fun zoom cocktail hour or something so I can at least approximate an in-person vibe, which is my preferred method of socialization under normal circumstances. I have anxiety about talking with my own friend. How weird I am. It'll be healthy though maybe? I just worry I won't sleep because of post-talk adrenaline and because I'll have to omit weed that evening and drink alcohol so I can enjoy communication but alcohol before bed might fuck up my whole schedule. Do you see why it's just easier being alone all the time? When other people are in the mix there's so much to consider in order to keep them happy and keep my fragile little self in a healthy stress-free routine. I also wonder if it'll exacerbate chronic pain again, which seems to roar back whenever people use me as a venting bucket. Even just the angst I feel worrying whether someone will accidentally say something that might irk me for weeks. I am probably overthinking all of this. This is social anxiety. Or ptsd. Or introversion. Probably a trifecta. Hmmm.
3:43 p.m. - 2021-02-10