I am grateful that I will have a break from heinous construction noise the next two days. I'm exhausted.
My ex and I facetime a lot, and last night I saw his eyes moving back and forth reading something and obviously not listening to whatever I was blabbing about. Not a big deal, but I could see he was preoccupied, so I tried to end the conversation. But then he wasted more of my time denying it and became highly emotionally reactive, all because I wanted to hang up. It shouldn't have been a big deal, but his vocal pitch startled me and I didn't care to argue, I just wanted to go do other things. I regretted even pointing out that I noticed him reading, because wow, the defensiveness was way over the top for something so small. It would have been easier to just lie and say whoops gotta go someone's on the other line, because the slightest comment sends him into a spiral. His ego literally can't handle it. I remember once pointing out he put the toilet paper roll on the wrong way. BIG MISTAKE! I never did that again. Lol. It's just toilet paper. If you wanna put it on backwards you do you honey.
I guess he hasn't grown up much, even in all these years apart. He can never admit even the slightest mistake, or even just shrug it off, or laugh. He wants to hold me captive while he lists all the reasons he's flawless. So if he slights me in any way its best to stay silent unless I want to endure an entire court defense trial. I guess that's gaslighting. I am re-thinking living with him. It isn't worth it. A lifetime of that would make me crazy. He trapped me in a marriage that was based on a lie that wasn't revealed until about 7 years in. So I'm not surprised.
Everyone is better at a distance. I am grateful I live alone. Alone is peace.
I don't pray, but before I went to sleep I prayed for my mom, wishing she's okay wherever she is. Then I had a nightmare she was smoking in my bedroom after I asked her to please stop, but she wouldn't stop, so I was running around scooping up my clothes to put in the wash so they wouldn't smell like cigarettes. She saw me going through all that effort, and still refused to budge even though she could have smoked in any other room or outside. So I had to do all the work of protecting everything in my room from her carelessness.
I feel that way about basically everything.
1:12 p.m. - 2021-03-19