Laid in the healing sun all day yesterday. Baked oatmeal with peaches and blueberries.
My friend with Multiple Personalities / Dissociative Disorder seems to have moved away. I hadn't heard from her in over a year since her episode, so I was surprised to see a story pop up on ig. She definitely seemed unhappy here and struggled with addiction and mental illness, so I'm glad she moved again. For my sake and for hers. It's time for me to move on too, to have stabler friends, as my therapist suggested. Consistent and non-addict ones who are supportive and kind.
God I was tired of her constantly initiating big plans and then last minute canceling or forgetting, clearly not valuing my time, or her own word. Then criticizing me to death for anything and everything. She grew up in a cult at some point. That's gotta do some damage.
Whenever I sit down and write things out I realize how fucked up everyone is. Like, I've had close friends who were kidnapped as children, or in a cult, or molested by their fathers or cousins for years, or lost family members to murder or suicide, or grew up in foster care because their parents tried to strangle them or neglected them, or their parents were a prostitute and a pimp. These are big things. And broken people, I have learned the hard way, have a high likelihood of wanting to break you too so they're not alone in their pain.
Of all my friends, I've moved the least, had the longest relationships, the most education, traveled the most, and am the only homeowner, and it's lonely being the only one. Maybe I'd find more supportive friends if I found friends on equal footing, who have happiness in themselves so we can celebrate each other's successes as a team. I suppose mental illness makes it hard to be a good friend. And addiction. And socioeconomic problems.
A few of our friends had kids and that same friend started gossiping negatively about them and cutting them off, just because they chose a different path than her. I don't want kids either, but I'm so happy for my friends who do! I think it's so exciting and beautiful to see them creating life and starting families. When I see them smile it makes me smile. It's impossible not to be happy for them! What kind of friend would I be if I wasn't?
7:27 a.m. - 2021-04-01