I get secretly irritable over things that in the grand scheme aren't that big. Like that my ex doesn't know what nopales are. That he laughed when I got excited about a prickly pear. Because I'm debating about living with this person and wouldn't it be so nice to live with someone who shared my excitement instead of laughing? Someone who understood? It's a minor example, but these minor things he doesn't know come up all day long. How can we even hold a conversation when he's so devoid of knowledge and experiences? No wonder I felt so alone when we were married.
This has been why I have trouble dating American guys and even Mexican guys who were born here and don't know anything good. I'm always the one turning people on to things they never knew before but I don't like playing the teacher role ALL the time. It'd be nice if I was the one being taught something new for a change. I don't want to be anyone's mommy.
And if I'm dating a Mexican guy who I have to teach Spanish to or explain real Mexican food to, it'd also be nice if he wouldn't constantly point out my light skin and make such a big deal about my mixed heritage because they can't get past even the first hurdle of understanding me at the most superficial level.
Dating just requires so much bar lowering, settling, acceptance, and patience that don't seem worth all the many risks, dick sucking, sexual health risks, covid, and all the emotional frustration and societal inequalities, and putting up with their grossness and odors and fetishes and lack of foresight or intuition or intelligence. They'd better be REALLY RICH if I'm going to sacrifice my solitude and peace of mind for all that. Even then it probably still wouldn't be worth it.
I think my dad wants me to live with my ex because he assumes that because he benefits from having a wife, that it'd be the same for me, a woman. But it's not. At all. I will be annoyed constantly. I'll feel trapped, shamed, misunderstood, depressed. I need freedom.
It's not like I have a lot of freedom in pandemic anyway though. I literally can't even walk outside. I am a prisoner in a maximum security building in a dangerous neighborhood. If I want to go outside I need a bodyguard. And the only reliable bodyguard who is covid safe is my ex since everyone else is out being risky either by choice or because they're essential workers in high risk jobs. So in the short term, moving and living with my ex somewhere safe makes sense. I'm just worried I won't be able to get out of it later on...
Okay enough complaining. Today I'm grateful for choice, health, stability, and my pets who give more in the form of emotional bonding than men can. For now I am safe and thankfully alone.
Good news could be around the corner. I could marry a lesbian. I could be openly poly. I could do literally anything. I could be a spinster in the woods. I could live in a van and road trip every national park in the united states. I could move to Mexico. If I remain flexible, solutions are everywhere.
10:00 a.m. - 2021-08-24