Grateful for the Thai dish experiment success which was really just a way to use up the rest of my pineapple and vegetables (and cannabis ghee so I could sleep through the pain.) Yep my pain is definitely caused by stress triggers, and this month's stress came courtesy of my dad.
The Unalcoholic had been really supportive until a couple days ago when he woke up in one of his infamous moods. He did his trademark packing his bag and standing by the door to threaten abandonment to get his way. I'd already meditated and was sitting eating a bowl of strawberries and I was already stoned having anticipated a tantrum from his tone, so I just calmly asked what was wrong. He said he didn't want to cook. I said that's totally fixable and encouraged him to just say so (instead of creating unnecessary drama.)
He stood at the door contemplating and then walked to me to reach for a hug. He said he was just frustrated because he wanted sex. Long story short he got more sex than his dick could handle, and I didn't orgasm, but I did have a lot of dishes to clean up after he left...
So maybe I'll take a week off from him. His behavior (and sexual entitlement) wasn't unforgivable, but when I sense I'm beginning to be taken for granted again, it's wise to back away for a bit, so I won't become resentful, and to give him time alone to miss me. Also, having already recently been hollered at by my dad, and suffering from chronic pain again as a result, I don't want to risk suffering any more male drama. I'll take peace and quiet alone, thanks.
I dreamed I told my dad how his behavior had unhealthy consequences for me, how I cried for days and had intense anxiety for weeks and that it caused a chronic pain flare up, and new allergies I didn't have before... In the dream I said "It's nothing personal but it's not safe health-wise for me to be around people who can't control their emotions." He smiled and said "I won't do it again. I promise." He said it just like every man who has used those meaningless words on me, thinking they have any power over me. I didn't believe him. But I nodded anyway.
That's about where I'm at with men. Knowing they're full of shit, letting them believe they've manipulated me into trusting them, nodding anyway. Nodding anyway, then quietly blocking them.
By the way did you hear about the mother condor who had baby condors without a male? A lot of species procreate without males, but I never heard of it in birds, although scientists now speculate it happens more often in nature than we're aware of. Although normally it only happens when there aren't any males present. In this case, the female condor had access to multiple male condors. She just preferred to skip male interaction altogether and clone herself instead. Good for her. :)
9:01 a.m. - 2021-11-05