I slept early and woke early. Still not sure what happened to the Unalcoholic but relapse is my guess. So I guess it's time for one of these types of entries again, in which I futilely attempt to solve life by reviewing all evidence, sprinkle in some dark wit and a metaphor, and then cling to what remains of my sanity with a gratitude list to balance it out. If this sounds like the way you want to spend your valuable time, then read on my friend!
Before pandemic, his former roommates, 1 friend and 1 family member, moved out at the same time and ghosted him. I did about the same and was dating country-boy at the time, hoping to escape the alcoholic vibe (till I realized he was an even worse alcoholic. lol?)
Then his old childhood friend arrived from out of town and they had a grand reunion for several months while I enjoyed a healthy happy 6 month break from men and substances altogether.
Then he was evicted for a drunk fight with his best friend, which he insists was his friend's fault because his friend is "crazy." So I let him stay here and unsurprisingly that living situation didn't work out either, due to his random fight-mode moods. Then he became extremely distant with almost no communication or explanation for many months and my depression peaked.
Then he was in icu for a blood sugar spike that almost killed him. They'd covid-tested him before release so he came straight to my house afterward. Since then things were stable. He got on insulin and checked his blood daily. He lived alone finally, near my house, and that arrangement worked. He liked his job. We went on lots of hikes.
The Delta spike put everything on pause because he has a high risk job. Every week he wanted to see me but I said not yet. Eventually the covid rates dropped enough that I felt safe with one at-home-test-kit on his off-days and one vaccine dose that I hoped would lower my probability of getting sick. We'd missed each other and were together every chance we had. I was starting to trust enough to enjoy sex again. Then my dad took his anger out on me, and the Unalcoholic showed a really emotionally nurturing side of himself that I hadn't really seen before. For first time ever he was really there for me when I needed him. I let him know I appreciated it. We had fun together.
But he'd stopped taking his insulin. And the drinking started again, although only one day a week on his last day of work before his days off. So he was showing up at my place hungover each week. I was stoned for a month to quiet the anxiety/ptsd my dad triggered, so I didn't mind too much that he always spends our first day together on my toilet. He was being good to me, so I wasn't bothered by his drinking problem since I never had to see him drunk.
But now, I presume the drinking cycle peaked and if he didn't die, the whole cycle will start again.
I don't think men are good for women's health. All the studies say this. I could isolate from men like I did when I was at peace and my life flowed smoothly, but I worry that would result in an unhealthy level of isolation right now, since I have no women in my life who are both covid-conscious enough to be safe with and not an addict or dealing with dissociative disorder, which feels basically the same as dating an alcoholic. And now I don't have a reliable dad either, so...
If I want drama, excitement and anxiety, there are never a shortage of people to fulfill that. And if I want peace and safety, I have that in myself whenever I put up boundaries and isolate. The choice is mine.
God.
I think I should be very brave and try the other vaccine and spend more time bonding with different people entirely even though socializing gives me anxiety which forces me drink when I don't want to. Because one day this guy is going to die from alcoholism and I am going to need someone to hold me through that grief. And when that guy dies of alcoholism, I'll find another guy. And when that guy.........
This is a lot more than I signed up for. All I ever needed was someone to accompany me when outside so that other men won't rape me. Because men are awesome.
Today I'm grateful that his disappearance coincided with my bleeding so I can do that in peace. I'm grateful that I'm strong and resilient. I'm grateful I have in-unit laundry and insurance and a car. I'm grateful for vitex which I can take a higher dose of during times when it benefits me to remove my sex drive or reduce anxiety, and grateful for weed which helps me tune out men entirely.
7:57 a.m. - 2021-11-16