Dear me,
I know that you feel worn out, let down, taken for granted, sad... I know you're exhausted from the effort of showing your best to people who lack the ability to be as gentle with you as you are with them. I know you wish for a family that is secure and unfractured, a stabler community, more kindness, less grief, love that feels consistent instead of confusing or scary. Baby. It's going to be okay. I will keep you safe. I love you. Inhale. Exhale.
You must accept that people will hurt you and themselves. Being devastated by that fact is pointless because you are powerless of everything -- except yourself. You can't stop people from doing upsetting things, but what you can do is have a system in place so that it doesn't break your spirit, and prepare for these things to happen because they will, and it's not about you. Your behavior is about you, their behavior is about them. You can step back into safety and solitude at any moment you need, without guilt, because you are the High Priestess of your own life. Protect your inner resources like sacred gold treasure. You won't be alone because I will never ever abandon you. Keep going.
I am proud of the emotional poise you demonstrated while under stress, by simply thanking the Alcoholic for (finally) letting me know he's alive (instead of questioning or scolding him) because you are relieved (even though you're upset that you had to suffer days of agony as a result of his drunken carelessness, and annoyed with yourself for willfully forgetting that this neglect of self and other is an inseparable part of who he is -- and the downside of his fun free spirited qualities you love so much.) My outwardly non judgmental response also gives me time to privately observe my feelings and observe his responses. 10/10 for maintaining outer calm with him despite very intense emotions.
Also 10/10 for expressing feelings in a safe, supportive space, like here, thanks to two kind souls who I can't believe suffer through reading my brain vomit, but it's healing to know someone can see my rawest most embarrassing emotional self and treat it with compassion, no questions asked. I have hope for humanity when a stranger who owes me nothing, anonymously offers a hand to lift me back up. You didn't have to, but you did, just because you saw what I needed in that moment. It helped. I appreciate it. I'm sorry for causing concern. Thank you for tolerating me. I'm trying. I won't give up. If I feel myself start to become overwhelmed again I'll get a therapist again.
It's good to have a place to put my feelings and to know that if my mental health takes a nosedive, someone will say something to snap me out of my pain to remind me to steer myself back on course. Like a friendly honk to let you know one of your headlights is out. Or your tag is showing. (Or your traumas are showing.)
Why. do. I. ramble. so. much. I remind myself of the dad on the Brady Bunch movie.
More advice for myself: Do not berate yourself or be embarrassed. You felt how anyone in that position would feel. Do not pity yourself. These are not things happening to me, these are just things that are happening. And, feelings are valid. Yes, even very intense feelings. Listen to what they are trying to tell you. <3
I tried my best this round but it's like badminton. You can be the best server in the world, but if the other person misses your serve or is easily distracted you won't have much of a steady back-and-forth and there'll be frequent disruptions in which you have to wait for them to find the birdie over and over... No need to quit badminton forever over it. Just try with a different partner. Or accept that your adorable partner sucks at badminton. Or practice a different way. Or try a solo sport!
Dear myself, I hereby give you a rest from overthinking for the rest of the weekend. Breathe. All is well. Quit rambling and rest your heart now, tired woman.
Love,
Me
10:36 a.m. - 2021-11-18