PMS and.
Breathing through the anxious feeling in my stomach because M didn't check in or reply for a few days now. I think it's been two days or so, I can't remember. Last we talked he called me after work and talked for about an hour and a half. He said he set aside money for rent (or paid rent? was I even listening?) and set aside $100 to live on this week. Next week he gets paid I think, so maybe he just couldn't pay his phone bill. Wait no, because he didn't reply when I called on an app. He could have been working though. Either way, this happens so often that I should know better than to worry if he was attacked on his way home or drank too much alone in his apartment -- my worst fear, because he already landed in the emergency room a couple times because of drunk blood sugar spikes and the doctor said he would have died within two hours if he hadn't made it to the hospital.
But, I have no information, so I can't really assume anything, but can do the best I can to manage the symptoms of anxiety. It's hard to eat right now so I'm eating small snacks periodically. I had a normal amount of weed and one small cocktail. It stopped my arms from shaking from worry. I also took a very long nap and a hot bath. I will probably end up having more weed and scrolling through my mental health tumblr where I save pep talks, wise quotes, and things that make me laugh.
I wish I had a mom, but let's not go there for one lousy day, brain, thank you.
Sometimes I think about dadaism and how we're probably at a point in history where dadaism would make a lot of sense again. I'm too tired to explain my thesis on this today. Can't you see I'm being a woman right now.
Pretty sure I just need to eat something. Maybe a bit of reishi will help calm the nerves.
I am so tired today. Okay enough writing, I am going to go mother myself and practice the new techniques I've learned and just feel what I need to feel and try to stay present and all that woo woo. I am the sky and this is only a mild storm, a small rumbling of thunder in the distance that may dissolve back to stasis at any moment.
6:51 p.m. - 2022-02-03