Today started out fine. Now it's... Just a lot quieter I guess, and plans unexpectedly changed.
While I was driving us to the forest, he felt the need to tell me about some other woman's breasts, and I made the mistake of asking him why. Bad idea. He immediately started yelling, blaming me, "what the fuck!" etc. I kept driving until it just became too much so I pulled over and started crying, hiding my face in my hands. Rather than comfort me, he yelled some more and jumped out of the car and stomped off somewhere. I had to pee really bad so I drove to the hiking place to pee and texted him that I was sorry and asked if he needs a ride back home. He had about an hour to respond but never did, so I drove back because, wasn't really sure what else to do. I already tried calling and apologized (I know I shouldn't have to apologize for him being such an insensitive dick, but I wanted to de-escalate because he'd be stranded pretty far from home and I'm not vindictive. But I also can't stay there all night waiting for his mood to pass. So, I drove back home just feeling sad, staying present with my breathing and listening to soothing music. Here we are again.)
I feel like I did everything I could have done, and more. I doubt anyone else would be this patient and understanding, since this is actually the second day in a row he made a weird comment like that... Yesterday he told me none of his friends would date an older person (like me). I also asked him why he said that, and he didn't know why. A few hours later we had sex, but in the middle of it his phone made some annoying sounds so I asked him if he could turn it off. He ignored me and kept going. Then his phone went off again and I just pulled him out of me. I can't stay turned on if someone is repeatedly not listening to me, especially after the weird comment earlier. He was too lazy to walk across the street to buy more condoms, so that was the end of that.
So when he chose to add to his repertoire, admiring someone else's body out loud to me the very next morning, I was just like... Okay. It's like he's deliberately trying to erode my self esteem this week. This isn't fun for me.
I'm tired and feeling like this is just not worth it for me. The total disregard for my feelings is becoming harder to ignore. It makes me sad. Nothing I can do but lay in bed now, wondering what he'll do next. I really don't like it when people jump out of cars angrily. Especially if I was looking for the opposite reaction, something more along the lines of a caress, a look of empathy, a reassurance, a hand on my leg, anything but slamming the door angrily and telling me he'll walk home. (Which would take 5 hours and 28 minutes, and he'd have to catch a ferry and/or several buses.)
I shouldn't take it personal. He angrily walks out on jobs every two weeks too, always unexpectedly and without any plan of how he'll make rent or eat. He also lost all of his friends due to fights. Every last one. The real question is, why do I still have empathy for this guy.
If I'd have known that was going to happen I would have saved myself gas and a toll and just stayed home.
Any other men want to explode at me? It's been a whole hour without incident...
3:59 p.m. - 2022-02-19