I managed to eat a banana and water, meditated twice and slept a few hours. It's very unusual for me to struggle to sleep, but he wanted me to feel bad, and he succeeded.
My stomach hurts. I keep replaying the day, thinking how much his behavior parallels the domestic abuser I dated ten years ago, and how much my dad's recent behavior also reminded me a bit too much of that... I'd like off this hamster wheel.
My friends invited me to a thing tomorrow but I don't know if I can put myself back together in time. Perhaps with the help of alcohol I'll be able to smile again.
I'm not sure what's safe for me to do though. The replacement doctor sounded like I might just have the same severe reaction if I try to get vaccinated again. My ex is extremely fearful I'll have the same reaction or worse if I try j&j because the cdc does have a stark warning about its risks... I still don't know what to do. I think I should just do it so I can exit this relationship more easily. If it kills me oh well. Death can't be worse than living with men.
I can't rely on M to be my safe person anymore. I believe he's taking advantage of my situation because he knows my options are limited. I'm disturbed by how similar his behavior today was to my domestic abuser ex from many years ago, jumping out of cars, emotional manipulation and other things... I thought I'd never again be in that position and I thought M was better in a lot of ways, but things change I guess. I don't know why he insisted on coming over again if this is what he had planned for me. He'd been acting sort of passive aggressive all morning. I kept coddling him and I shouldn't have fallen for the trap that looks like it was all just an act of revenge for him not cumming the night before. I guess men aren't used to that. Well, there's no chance of him cumming now. I blocked him after I said goodnight. I don't want a repeat of today. I don't want to be made to feel like I'm his chauffeur and mom while he makes me feel bad about myself and compares me to other women. It's pointless to even explain to him that this is not okay. I don't need anymore fake apologies.
How do I keep finding myself on the wrong side of unemployed insecure men sooo often lately.
I think I have no choice but to go full on isolation again. I was at peak emotional health during my 6 month break from men. It takes a lot of ignoring my phone, a lot of blocking, a lot of ignoring the mail they send when they decide they want me back to toy with me more. It's hard to be so strong and alone all the time but I want out of this unfulfilling girlfriend role. I want to feel like life isn't an emotional battlefield again. I want to wake up happy every morning like I did before, eager to face the day. In order for that to happen I have to kill the part of me that needs human connection, physical contact, love.
It's going to take a lot of strength to proceed back to a healthy place and I'll have to stay extremely vigilant when these men try to insert themselves back into my life to betray my trust again. It's going to hurt a lot to cut off a nearly decade long relationship, just months after losing my dad too, and every loss feels more serious in a pandemic. But I don't want to live at the mercy of men. There has to be a way out. At this point it's probably even healthier to finally reply to some of the pesty dudes who've been trying to get in my pants all along. Hell, why not talk to a different narcissist for a change... I'll do whatever passes the time, as long as it doesn't hurt.
3:14 a.m. - 2022-02-20