Well, being lied to for the entirety of knowing a man who wanted to manipulate me into dating him who then died of a totally preventable illness that he lied about, doesn't really help me trust men more...
I feel like he held a gun to his head and said "DATE ME OR ELSE."
He knew this would happen. He lied and thought that'd be a good basis for a relationship? It was entirely preventable! He was determined to drag me into problems that were not mine. And now I have to deal with the fallout of his bad choices.
Because it didn't just affect him, or me, but every person around me who has a little less of me while I grieve. It affects everyone who knew him, which was the whole town because he was such an extravert. Did he not care what happened to us or how we might feel betrayed in addition to realizing we were all being held hostage to witness him killing himself in slow motion? Obviously not. He abused us all the same way he abused alcohol.
I don't want to go to the funeral of someone who lied to me and betrayed me and knew exactly what he was doing the entire time. I had the worst panic attack of my life lasting two weeks to the point where I thought I was going to die, because he's dead. Hope he rests well knowing he fucked up everyone's life who genuinely cared about him. I've never been angry at the dead before. I guess there's a first time for everything. I didn't want to date him and I don't want to go to his funeral. I want alcoholic men to leave me the fuck alone.
He chose to kill himself with alcohol on my birthday while my mom was in the hospital and while my methhead half brother was screaming at me blaming me for his bad choices too. Fuck these addicts. I am not their mommy. I am quite tired of people who don't take responsibility for their damn selves. I am traumatized enough, can't they see? Why do they have to make their problems everyone else's problem? I went sober in 2019 and have maintained that 99.9%. Why couldn't they? Did he think his liver was invincible? Did he think lying was the right thing to do to his family, his "girlfriend", his best friends, his boss, his town? And now I have to risk covid at his funeral? I really don't want to go, except to talk to the other survivors who are hurting because of him. If I go it will be for THEM.
3:12 p.m. - 2022-10-29