Maybe M is pissed that I have handled grief better than he did? (If only because I channel it all here.) Maybe he feels I'm not punishing myself enough. This "punishing" concept, how does that benefit the greater good?
His mom died a decade ago and he still makes every autumn hell on earth for me and takes all his rage out on me for months at a time, because she died in August, and apparently that makes him want to abuse me for a calendrical season. I always accepted it as an excuse. We all handle grief differently. Some people get hostile and act on it, I guess. I don't understand it, but I more or less accept that this is how he copes, if you can call that coping. Weird way to memorialize a woman, by abusing a woman, but ok... I know his mom wouldn't have approved of it.
I cried for three days and after that I was able to control my emotions. I sort of wanted to demonstrate to M without saying out loud, that it is easy to grieve and love at the same time, if your heart is big enough. Maybe he was waiting for me to act out like he does. Looks like he beat me to it again. Who died M? It's almost December.
I can hold space for my grief and for his too. I didn't mean to make him feel bad if he can't grieve the same way I do. It's not like my mom died (although she's dying). R was just a horny guy who drank a lot, so maybe that makes it feel like somehow less of a loss, although, maybe I shouldn't say that... Maybe M thinks I'd care that little if he died. Well, the way he treats me, maybe he should be worried.
3:12 p.m. - 2022-11-25