I was doing very well for about a month.
But the last three days I can't stop crying and I'm almost believing the flood is my fault even before a man blames me for it. I cried so much I flooded California. I'll take the blame. Just leave me to my puddle of tears the size of the western united states. I realize crying is part of the process, but this is a lot.
In spring I'll believe that every blade of grass is him resurrecting. I don't want to let go.
I dreamed of R every night this week. Last night I caved and watched most of his tiktoks. He had 11.2k followers. Several videos were clearly about me / for me. A lot of them. Including my name. I hadn't seen them. I wish I had before.
He was so handsome. He seemed very aware of his alcoholism. Every video expressed his depression, veiled in "humor." He clearly had an incredible talent for acting that I never noticed. He was a clever comedian. I never noticed his genius, but it really comes across in the videos. He was so vulnerable with his emotions in his videos! I regret not watching them before. He left me a shit ton of videos to weep to. To witness his feelings laid bare. To see all his cries for help too late. I'm glad he held me tightly all night two months before his death. I'll forever wish I had admitted to him how special he really was, and that I loved him, that all of that was real. I think he knew.
He had recurring dreams that seemed to foretell death knocking at his door. He knew. He knew I'd cry when he was gone. There was a video about that too. References to funerals, wills, and all the words left unsaid that I'd regret. He knew.
The first video I clicked was him narrating this poem by David Romano:
"When tomorrow starts without me
And I’m not here to see
if the sun should rise and find your eyes
all filled with tears for me
I wish you wouldn’t cry
the way you did today
while thinking of the many things
we did not get to say
I know how much you love me
as much as I love you
Each time that you think of me
I know you will miss me too
When tomorrow starts without me
please try to understand
that an angel came and called my name
and took me by the hand
The angel said my place was ready
in heaven far above
and that I would have to leave behind
all those I dearly love
But when I walked through heaven’s gates
I felt so much at home
when god looked down and smiled at me
from his golden throne
He said this is eternity
and all I promised you
today for life on earth is done
but here it starts anew
I promise no tomorrow
for today will always last
and since each day’s the exact same way
there is no longing for the past
So when tomorrow starts without me
do not think we’re apart
for every time you think of me
remember I’m right here in your heart."
Lots of rain in my hometown. Lots and lots of rain...
I'm going back to therapy.
9:55 a.m. - 2023-01-13