N stopped by yesterday after visiting his family for a belated birthday gathering and shared some of the food they sent him home with. I peeked inside the bag of goodies he brought and among the many delectable treats thoughtfully wrapped with care by his mother, I noticed a small decorated chocolate cake.
How wonderful! How sweet, I thought to myself, imagining what it must be like to receive a birthday cake at this age. I can't remember the last time anyone gave me a birthday cake. I think I was 12 years old the last time that happened.
Tears welled up in my eyes because it seemed so beautiful to me, to receive a birthday cake. Imagine that.
How lucky he is!
I told him how sweet it is that his family did that for him, and told him how seeing the cake made me a little bit emotional because, what a very kind thing to do for someone, to make them feel valued and special and cared for.
He said he was annoyed that his mom gave him a cake! He acknowledged that maybe he wasn't being appreciative. Um YEAH. I'd be so happy to receive that kind of love and care again! I miss that.
Meanwhile I'm just grateful if no one yells at me on my birthday. My recent birthdays were all ruined by men. Last year my dad had a screaming meltdown at me that gutted me. This year my methhead-half-brother did the exact same thing. Then my lover died days later and my guy friend blamed me for it, accusing me of witchcraft. Likewise, my alcoholic boyfriend ruined every birthday and holiday for the past decade, so I guess that just became my normal. I stopped expecting anything long ago. I was being "realistic."
Now that I think of it, I haven't had a proper anniversary, birthday, valentines, or anything, since maybe 2008. I never expect gifts and I never asked anyone for cake, but it might've been nice if I'd dated someone who didn't abandon me every holiday to get drunk. I wouldn't have minded a simple "happy birthday" at least once in all those years.
So, yes, cake sounds comparatively very nice. I think if someone gave me a cake I'd weep uncontrollably in gratitude, like the way I broke down crying the day N fixed my faucet, because M was angry at me about something that day (it was my birthday, so of course.) I was just so grateful to receive anything at all. N didn't understand my gratitude then either, because he just feels entitled to things I guess?
I just find it very touching when people do thoughtful things. And who doesn't love cake?
Maybe I will bake myself a cake, to make up for all those lost birthdays, to show myself that somebody cares, and that person is me. I'll even go hard and squeeze out some icing rosettes like my mom taught me as a child, when we baked cakes for other people's birthdays, in another timeline when people still cared about one another, when I got to lick the spatula, and make a mess sifting flour...
I'll never forget those happy moments, when I too had a whole family under one roof, with board games and hot cocoa and laughter and all of those magical wonderful things that I miss more than anyone will ever know.
After I told N all these thoughts, he called his mom to thank her for all the food. (She must have spent days cooking all that for him.) I guess it's good I said something, because some good came of it. His mother finally got a measly thank you. And it probably made her year that someone finally noticed all the work she put into loving him.
4:35 p.m. - 2023-01-23