My head is on very straight today. I know what I want out of life. I think I can manage. Love is still strong. I am stubborn and I challenge and question everything constantly and that's nothing to be ashamed of. What I'm realizing is that some things ARE better left a fantasy. Some. I'm too tired to continue running around with a soul divided. I don't mind a little healthy attention now and then, but let's lay down some boundaries, shall we? So here's the plan Stan. Our synagogue attendance is going to improve. Not because of some sudden spiritual awakening but because I miss it. I miss lighting candles and feeling peaceful. I miss the community. I miss shabbat dinner. I miss the clarity I used to have on Friday nights. Other people come and go, but my Jewish friends have never ever failed me. No matter how often we've disagreed or changed or moved...they are always here, no matter what. This is valuable to maintain. I never stopped caring, I just felt that if I couldn't be a good role model myself, then I shouldn't bother. My mistake was in thinking it was either perfection or failure. But I am neither extreme. I'm just me. And that's a role I can play with pride.
And I love my husband more than anyone on this earth. I will try to be the woman he deserves, as well as the woman I deserve.
And no kids. Don't even mention kids 'cause we're not having them. Ask me again in five years.
In the meantime I've decided to apply for a masters at my dream school.
Lots of goals. Lots of growing. It's been good for me. Even the nasty parts. Everyone should have the freedom to err now and then. Life is short after all. Some things are temporary and some things are permanent. I can't be everywhere at once. Time to focus on what's valuable to me.
3:43 a.m. - 2006-06-15