I think he hates me. I'm serious. It shows in his whole body. I wouldn't blame him, I guess. On the other hand, I'm not sure I deserve what he's radiating. He doesn't speak. He only walks away. It only makes me sadder. What I wouldn't give for a hug from someone who understands. I want to cry, but I don't see the point anymore. We're zombies now.
I'm still in retreat mode. Maybe wild abandon mode worked better for me. There was drama, but at least it was drama seasoned with a dash of fun now and then.
I guess I'll sit here and rot for another few months. Perhaps something good will happen if I'm patient. Maybe change will come and the people I love most will stop trying to silence me and squeeze me into a tiny mold. Maybe by then I'll be well rested so I can emerge as a new person. Wouldn't it be nice to be reborn? I miss being happy. I miss thinking of gardens. I miss the luxury of innocence.
7:33 p.m. - 2008-02-17