I�ve been having frequent experiences in which strangers older and larger than me approach me and display aggression or passive aggression, completely unprovoked, and I mean completely. Like the employee at Trader Joe�s who followed me and mocked me when I replied, �I�m ok,� after persistent questions of if I was finding everything ok. I walked away and her coworker told her to stop harassing customers. It was a small thing, but one of many that leave me wondering why they perceive me as easy prey for dickishness.
Remember the stranger from the audience who grabbed my upper arm and held it uncomfortably high while she critiqued my performance? There were 15 others with me, but she zeroed in on me like a missile, and no one else, and I seriously thought she was going to hurt me. It�s not like she committed murder, but her behavior was definitely aggressive and scary.
Maybe I�m over-sensitized because of abuse (my mother was mentally ill and couldn't control her violence even if she wanted to.) We all have our issues. But really, I can't believe I once had a friend who became violent with me in public because she heard voices and surprised me from behind, knocking the wind out of me, without warning or reason. What attracted me to her? It doesn�t take a psychologist to figure that one out.
I�m frustrated that I can�t even go to the grocery store without emotional armor. I am a gentle soul and I�d like to stay that way, and I refuse to be forced underground because this culture doesn�t value 'gentle.' Fuck aggression.
Last night HB told Mil to mind her own business, but the moment he left the room, she grilled me with prying questions about my mom. I politely changed the subject, but she wouldn�t quit, scolding me that mothers come first and that I should call her and get my parents back together�
Yeah..
My dad nicely offered to have a family talk with Mil about mental illness, abuse, and court orders, to explain that I am not a bad daughter, that my brother is not a bad son, and that my dad literally did everything he could to keep his marriage together, even when cops and doctors warned that he wasn't safe.
I�m traveling to the eastern seaboard for a few days to recharge. Travel is therapy. So what if I�m a little broken. It comes with the territory of breathing. If I have to line my skin with thorns and carry mace in my bra, I will find a solution. Creative people always prevail.
2:41 p.m. - 2009-05-04