My ex managed to insert himself back in my life but I don't want him so close. I've already noticed my thoughts circling around the girl he cheated on me with, and that takes up too much of my emotional energy. I love him and we are getting along very well, but I don't think I can handle my own jealous anxiety.
It is hard to push someone away that I simultaneously desire, but I know I can. My life improved when he left.
It's not just him. I don't want to love. Loving, for me, is not healthy. It's a lot of worry for an orgasm, and I have a vibrator for that. It's a lot of hurt for an emotional connection, and I have friends for that. Love just makes me sad or neurotic. Being unattached is so much healthier, for me. I am at my personal best when I am totally independent.
I have cultivated his better qualities in myself and no longer need him to entertain me. I will miss him, but so what, I'll live. There are billions of men on this earth asking for my phone number who also cheat, who also lie. I don't need that anymore. Being chained to another has never ended well.
It is hard to keep him away, but the difficulty is only temporary, and now I know I can.
12:17 p.m. - 2012-11-26