Dear ex (again),
Maybe someday years from now when you have the self esteem to not call a woman a "bitch", maybe then we can meet for lunch and this time you can pay.
We already did this, and I gave you a second chance because I hoped your mind was capable of overcoming itself and enough time had passed for some healing and maturing. For a moment we shared this fantasy, but it was only that.
I deserve to be happy and you stand in the way of my happiness and sanity. Honestly, I can do so much better than a verbally abusive child with low self esteem who can't even support himself, let alone me.
No matter what the cost of the grief of being without your good qualities (there aren't even that many compared to others), I will move ahead because maybe you are not old enough to know better, but I am fucking seven years ahead of you and I don't put up with childish drama shit anymore. You were a quick fix and an easy fuck, someone to temporarily fill in for another, but you are not someone I'd be long term with. No, I'm not self hating, although I am a bit embarrassed and ashamed that I became entangled with someone like you.
I told myself that if this happened again, I wouldn't have you to blame, that it was my decision to take you back and I did so fully knowing the potential failure.
I haven't yet found my intellectual match in the world of romance, but I have all the time in the world. I may fuck in the meantime, with a safe distance, like before. It's freeing to get what I want when I want it without having to pay, without feeling emotionally drained or anxious or sad or trapped.
I am the designer of my own life. I am in charge. No one has control over me, no matter what they say, no matter what they threaten. I can cut myself off from people who lack mental stability. I can choose who stays and who goes.
I will feel things for a couple days and then less and less. I am even better at it now. I know how to love myself. I know how to embrace the pain so that I can let it go forever. If I have to talk to you I will talk to you in my head. In my mind I will kiss you the way I want to be kissed, fuck you the way I want to be fucked, and love you the way I wanted it to be. You cannot control my thoughts and you can't keep me from talking to you in my mind. Perhaps there you can be my bitch and I can be the dominatrix.
I dreamed last night that I was at a bar, eating alone, texting with L. You came and found me, and hugged me, and apologized the way you should have in real life. I choose this reality over the reality of being with you.
4:36 p.m. - 2013-03-23