It is okay to cry. I keep telling myself this but I can't cry. I cannot find the tears.
I have rage. I have mountains and continents of rage. Rage at being suppressed, lied to, coerced, controlled, then abandoned when I voice an opinion or protest.
I have a rage so deep. Cry damnit. I despise it. I despise this position. I despise this treatment. I despise myself for allowing myself to get caught up in it. I despise myself for not cutting him out. For not standing up for myself. For not sticking to my guns. I despise his abuse. I despise that I would allow myself to be with someone who still can't take responsibility for being put in jail for domestic abuse, who blames me, who justifies things that are so awful I feel stupid repeating them.
NO. THERE IS NO EXCUSE. THERE ARE NO MORE FREE PASSES FOR APOLOGIES AND REPEATING THE CYCLE.
I cannot believe I ended up here again. Please, please, dear self, motherfucking please, respect yourself, please stop, please get out, you owe no explanation, let him keep your fricken headphones, its a small price to pay to be rid of this sideshow. I don't want this, it is not worth it, please. He can do it, you can do it, whichever, does it matter? GET OUT. RUN LIKE HELL, WHILE YOU STILL CAN. YOU DO NOT WANT THIS AGAIN. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP.
I treat him how he treats me, but why. Just leave. Just leave. Just leave. Commit to it. You cannot be half assed. You have to do it full force. 100%. You didn't even need the motherfucker for 6 months. Its not like finding interested men was a problem. Quit cold turkey. Forget about revenge. Just get out unscathed.
3:14 p.m. - 2013-05-09