This week I felt like things were looking up. My crush, it seemed, showed all the symptoms of returned affection. Two shows, a photoshoot, and plane tickets presented themselves with nearly no effort. My luck and positive attitude soared.
Yet tonight it took exactly three separate events, six friends, and six or so guys and girls hitting on me to not call my ex, and to not feel utterly rejected when the crush went unexpectedly cold and didn't reply to my text. Perhaps he has a girlfriend. That would explain the mixed messages.
About every five minutes someone new would approach me and call me beautiful or try to start a conversation, but it meant nothing when all I felt was rejected and ugly. The girl who wasn't texted back by the guy she was running to in order to escape the guy who calls her a cunt.
Even the moron who has been trying to get a date with me for nearly a year didn't text back tonight. So maybe there's a logical explanation, like they were asleep early tonight. Or, its saturday night and they were trying to fuck someone.
But still. Didn't I tell myself I'd keep trying on this one? I said to myself, thats fine, you can go after him, because mark my words, he'll be mine.
But I am discouraged all over again now, and will probably just ignore and avoid him.
Thank god one friend responded to my late night text of feigned boredom which resulted in an invitation and good conversation. I was slapped on the ass and I didn't even care. Maybe the only way for me to snap out of it is to be flirted with, slapped on the ass, and share inappropriately long intimate affections and conversation, repeatedly, until I feel nothing. And then feel enough of nothing until I am ready to feel again?
It worked last time. But man, I think getting back with my ex really wrecked my self esteem all over again. I'm pissed about it and I want to truly want no one again. NO ONE.
3:48 a.m. - 2013-06-02