I'm having feelings because I texted him a few times this evening and he didn't respond at all, not even after work. There's been regular parties at his place on weekends now that there's a third guy in there. In all likelihood he's passed out all sweaty from work and drunk and I shouldn't imagine otherwise or bother letting myself get anxious over it because the chances of him fucking in there with his cousins is.. possible, but gross. I shouldn't let my panic take over because he's probably so tired/drunk/stoned that he just couldn't reply and it maybe isn't necessarily doing it deliberately to be abusive. Maybe he's tuning out how I already did this week and it's just taking him longer to be ready to talk and confront the monster for fear of criticism or just for fear of feeling or facing it, or me.
I gotta stop analyzing this. Especially since he's probably not thinking AT ALL, and in particular not thinking about me. Unfortunately he's never alone anymore so he may never feel lonely enough to miss me.
The goal is to break this pattern before it kills me and not worry that he ignores me, and just go on with my life as if he doesn't exist, getting my needs met from myself and others till I find some sort of balance that doesn't hurt so much all the time that I feel constantly drained and like I'm slowly going crazy.
Feeling really really secure that I made the right decision to abort.
I'm so ready for my life to change.
4:40 a.m. - 2018-04-01