Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing. Sometimes there are complexities in ones personal life or society that require doing not necessarily good things out of necessity for survival.
I have several uncomfortable shackles in my life that I wish I could cast off but due to circumstances outside my control, I have to settle for a less than ideal arrangement. If not for imbalances of power and gender inequalities, my situation would probably look much better and I'd have the freedom to love or marry whoever I want because everyone would have the means to survive. But I'm blessed with one gift that I've sacrificed in exchange for another. I deal with it as ethically as I can without sacrificing the roof over my head and the food on my plate, but it feels wrong, even as gently as I go about my life. I feel guilt but an equal amount of fear that keeps me stuck. Money keeps me stuck because it takes a lot of it just to survive these days. It's awful. I hate it. I despise it with every ounce of my being. And LOVE... Love keeps me stuck in the biggest way of all.
I just want to be an artist and free spirit and do what I want and have sex with whoever I choose, is that so much to want? Should I need to sacrifice financial stability to do something meaningful with my life?
It should not be this way!
I should be writing this on Medium...
Anyway. It was an intense weekend of equally good and bad extremes, but I survived it in one piece. And it's gonna keep knocking me around until I figure out some other way to live. Probably by sacrificing something else...
7:56 p.m. - 2018-04-16