Another good day so far. Definitely noticing a pattern here...
It's so difficult for me to abandon someone. And yet, clearly I benefit more from that person's absence than their presence, time and time again.
The few times where I've had to ghost or ignore someone were really a challenge for me, because I detest the thought of hurting anyone, even if they're a total dick. I periodically silently apologize to the avoided person and explain it to them in my head as if they can telepathically understand, for up to a year after the fact. My inner dialogue goes something like, 'I'm really sorry if I hurt your feelings by leaving, I don't hate you, we're not compatible, it's no one's fault, I hope you understand, etc.' It'll repeat now and then when I reflect about the person's softer sides, or before I drift off to sleep.
I suspect it may be easier for some people to just cut ties and stay angry, but that would require me to think in a very black-and-white way, which I do not.
Despite this, I'm not a total victim, and I have managed to successfully avoid the ones I most need to avoid, and I have no regrets about it, in fact, I'm proud of myself for being strong enough to walk away and stay away, because I know it's not my greatest strength, but it is a muscle, and I'm definitely getting better at it, even if I tend to stay a little longer than I should and give people too many chances. And maybe I only do that because I know I'm psychologically strong enough to endure when I choose to stay.
Still, now that I've proven my psychological strength to myself, I think it's healthy to put myself first for a change and give myself a well-deserved vacation from dating. I enjoy being alone too much to be easily won anymore. <3
3:11 p.m. - 2019-02-28