I was burned again. As much as I want to be forgiving, I am at this point just fucking myself over and re-traumatizing myself again and again. I'm so angry at myself right now for letting him live here for the past couple of weeks, wasting all my time, only to fall into the same abusive trap again.
My heart must be extremely resilient to forgive and excuse this shit for so long.
I'm so, so, so extremely angry. I'm gonna need a very big long time out this time. It's such a waste of my time to have to go through this process AGAIN.
I'm even angrier at myself because I KNOW men are shit. I KNEW this. I KNEW I was happier without them yet I BETRAYED MYSELF by giving this motherfucker a chance to not be an asshole for once. He really gave my hopes up this time. He said and did all the right things, and then after he got what he wanted he just ghosted like he always does. And worse yet, I KNEW HE WOULD. And I let it happen anyway. I did that to myself. Yes, he's abusive and a fuckup but I knowingly walked directly into a trap, all just so I could go out places without fear of rape. I guess that's pretty much all boyfriends are good for, but it sure is a hell of a price to pay for physical safety.
I am so grateful I'm not suffering while raising his child ! Its one thing if it's just me, but I couldn't let him abuse two people. My genes are too good to have some idiot fucking up my child.
Sigh. I'm still very angry. Not just about this but the world too. They're brutally raping women in Sudan and I feel ready to fucking go there and kill those men myself. I've had enough of abuse against all women. I honestly don't know how i'll manage to continue on the rest of my life coexisting with male fuckery on this planet.
I won't be missing much, but as for him, he'll lose a good thing.
8:54 p.m. - 2019-06-21