so i'm probably going to sign up for therapy. it costs about as much as i spend when y-chromosome invades my sanctuary and eats all my food and uses all my toilet paper and i'll save money on earplugs for his snoring and cleaning supplies from mopping up his pee and cleaning up after all his messes.
i had such a good week without him. everyone was good to me. the contrast with how he treats me was more noticeable after being away.
it's not that other guys are better. i was asked on a date by someone who turned out to be married with 2 kids. and another guy behaved less than decently but i won't get into that right now. i'm trying to take it as a compliment on my appearance that guys toss themselves at me rather than yet more proof that men are all the same. they are disturbingly similar, however, i really don't want to let a few pieces of shit dictate my worldview or spoil my mood like they seem so hellbent on doing.
it's too bad i can't just be womanly in public without it attracting the very worst men. it's like the more i embrace my natural femininity, the more shitty men treat me. whats worse is they don't know they're shitty.
i had so many positive interactions recently. i really want to stay on that level. but ugh why did i not block him earlier. he robbed me of a whole day of happiness with his games. we are literally yin and yang, light and darkness. i was feeling so much love and gratitude for being alive, meanwhile he says the world is ugly and he hates it all. i only feel that way when i spend time with him.
pretty sure i'm full on lesbian/asexual now because men are mentally, emotionally, AND physically disappointing. i feel almost bad for them because they're walking around like half-humans, with this giant void, without the self understanding to even remedy it most the time, and i think they sense they're a let-down to everyone around them, because even their arrogance doesn't hide their obvious insecurities that they project on women and each other. sometimes i think i'm the only one who sees this, but then i hang out with lesbians and i see their expressions at the ways men act. and even the women tolerating men openly say men are dumb. (straight men.)
i wish it weren't so true.
i really really really need to move and be done with this. i want my life back.
2:43 a.m. - 2019-10-02