Woke up to a text I expected to be a continuation of yesterday's funny meme exchanges but instead Alcoholic 2 sent a very upsetting video of a racist confrontation with physical violence and yelling and ugh. I asked him not to send me things like that, and of course he didn't empathize or understand because he is male and lives for drama. So instead he got mad. :/ I gave him a little time to show kindness or effort but no glimmer of emotional maturity emerged so, I blocked him. Again.
Now I will again rotate to the next man until he too demonstrates sociopathy, because, we women are told to 'keep trying, there are good men out there, somewhere, you just have to keep looking...' Yeah, right.
So I did that, bouncing between men, denying my own desire to be monogamous out of the more urgent need for frequent boundaries with men who just don't respect them, and so alternating men to avoid their thirst for picking fights. When I told the therapist, she thought I was addicted to sex (I feel that sex with men is an unbearable chore, but she's the therapist so I let her assumptions run wild) because I hung out with whoever was capable of being nice and accepted new invitations when the other begins to treat me bad. I never initiated any of it. It just kinda works out that when one acts up, another one texts, so, I make the sanest choice by leaving the abuse, except I seem to only find more of it in someone else. I can't deny the obvious fact that every man I meet seems to struggle with empathy and womens boundaries and toddler-like mantrums. It always ends badly for them so I don't get what they get out of being dicks.
I'm starting to feel like humans just bully whoever they perceive as physically small or whatever. What I don't understand is why people overstep with me when the result is that they lose me, their best ally, the one who uses all my energy making sure everyone else feels comfortable, the one who spends an enormous amount of time privately focusing on how to be a good person to every single person I encounter. Why so many people blame mental illness. Why every relationship feels like all take and no give. So I stopped taking anyone seriously and started just being alone instead. It works much better for me. Until someone reaches out and acts normal for a couple weeks ...until they turn aggressive or insecure again.
It's probably a good time to remind myself that for the past six months spent totally alone, I was happier and healthier than I have ever been in my entire life. I wasn't constantly fatigued. I didn't drink or get stoned. I behaved like someone who loves herself. Even if that meant cutting communication ties with men.
I only keep around me friends from childhood who are family at this point, a couple like-minded female friends, my dad, and pets. But even those I keep at a distance, as a preventative measure, excluding animals because animals are the only sane beings on this earth it seems like.
This probably sounds really sad. Well, my morning started off badly thanks to a man who can't be trusted with my phone number, so. Now I have to vent to reboot my energy fields...
Funny, another ex has been stalking my social media. We aren't friends but he sees what I post SECONDS after I post it. I should probably block his (second) account too, right? I'm assuming he made his new one either to specifically stalk me, or because someone else reported him for similar behavior and his account got nuked.
Gosh it would be nice if people could just be NOT INSANE.
Happy memories:
swimming. warm sea water. the amazing pool at that one hotel that one time. dancing with friends till we were all sweaty and laughing. ahh the adventures. the road trips. good times i've had.
Today's affirmation:
Alone is more pleasant than unpleasant people.
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
giving second chances to dr jekyll/mr hyde types.
how about leaving them to figure their shit out alone, and blocking them, and every new account and new phone number they create to hunt you again. Sheeze.
I am grateful for:
noise canceling earbuds to soften the sounds of the screeching metal saw outside, soothing music, pretty colors, my current hair, meditation, my own safe little sanctuary, yoga, deep breaths
The person I am becoming will experience more:
inner peace, maturity, spiritual level awareness, the ability to let go of negative incidents quickly, to see them as minor unimportant interruptions in an otherwise peaceful day, to see the problems of others as just that, their issues to carry and wrestle with, and not my burden
I accomplished:
yoga, rested, enacted healthy boundaries
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
cook and do yoga
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
hopeful that maybe others will begin to heal themselves too
9:18 a.m. - 2020-06-08