I feel sad and angry. I feel like I'll just let myself be a mess tonight. I've been too good and tried so hard. Tonight I am going to give myself a fucking break to break all the rules and be pissed off and miserable or cry or any way I feel like being. I am giving myself permission.
There's so many things at once. I feel so unhappy, so used, so resentful and wronged and betrayed. I just want to scream or go crazy but I can't do anything.
I can write. It's better than nothing. I'm so tired of better than nothings. I'm so unhappy and I am sure hormones aren't helping. I am choking down weed as fast as I can, to suffocate this fucking horrible feeling that won't leave. I am tired of reading about murder of black people and Jewish people, the latter of which I find it odd that no one talks about, seeing as how often it has been happening for such a small minority. And the nazis trying to pit us against one another! The hate and stupidity is COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY. What drugs are they on that makes their brains malfunction so violently? It would be so much easier for them to simply stay home and smoke weed, or complain in a diary, or do literally anything else but kill people. It takes effort to kill.
I am tired of all of the news, tired of men, tired of waking up every day, tired of holding it together and trying so hard when everyone else seems to half ass everything or try to use me. I could easily be this way all the time too, if I didn't care so much about people other than just myself.
SIGH. That sigh contains a thousand silent screams.
Where is the empathy?
I am irate.
I'll meditate later and probably calm down or whatever but currently I am burning with rage and suffering inside so I'm just going to honor that until it passes.
I think I need to work on my throat chakra. I feel angry because of all the things I feel I can't say. Things that are valid. I am also angry at the things people don't care to try to understand. Overwhelmed today. I'm like a hamster in a wheel. I don't know. I just don't know.
I want ETHICS. I want people to hold themselves to a higher standard.
Okay, I'm done venting. For now.
9:03 p.m. - 2020-06-25