It is odd that taking care of men should fall upon a woman who men won't hire, who men have raped or drugged, who had a restraining order against a man who had a felony trying to harm me and threaten me and destroy my home. Yet men depend on me to be their mom, when they are the ones with privilege in this world.
Yeah, I'm grumpy about it. This is the only place I can vent. And in nightmares. By day I suck it up and do my best. Like, well, like a mom. :/ I resent it. I discussed all this with the Alcoholic in a dream this morning...
I think I'll just tell him I'll try my best for a little while longer but that I'm not sure how long I can keep taking care of him so he should have a plan ready so he doesn't end up sleeping on the sidewalk. He's a grown adult and not my responsibility. I helped where I could. But I am not required to house someone I don't even want a relationship with. I can't talk on the phone with anyone anymore with him here. And well you know the rest, I've complained about all of it enough.
Every night this week I've had recurring nightmares with the theme of trying to get someone to leave my home who won't leave. I also keep dreaming of my mom, who I'm not sure is still alive, or if she's just off being crazy somewhere, perhaps too paranoid to answer her phone, or sick with covid. In a few months it will have been an entire year since I've heard her voice. I want to track her down, but then what? It would put her in more danger if she was placed in an institution or contacted by authorities during a pandemic. She may be crazy, but she's very tough, I remind myself. I also need to remind myself that every choice I have made to love myself and be healthy and heal -- I do these things in part for her. She motivates me. Her reality is my warning. But also I try to heal myself because in a way it heals her, because I am part of her. I want to take the torch she passed to me and save myself in all the ways she couldn't save herself. I want to be smarter about it and avoid the same traps she got stuck in. It's hard, but mentally I am a lot tougher than her. I am educated. She led me halfway to a better path and did the best she could. The rest is on me.
Now if I can just stop letting people cling to me who hold me back and drain me.
Happy memories:
live music and dancing oh my Goddess
Today's affirmation:
I can have honest conversations without conflict.
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
feeling trapped. perhaps there are solutions? perhaps the discomfort is temporary. perhaps I can have honest conversations, and if all else fails I can certainly drop him off somewhere with enough money for one night in a hostel or something.
I am grateful for:
knowing that I will be okay
The person I am becoming will experience more:
changing situations I don't like instead of whining about it
I accomplished:
meditated, journaled, made a triple potency antidepressant tincture
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
remain calm and smart about life's messes, and accept only what I absolutely cannot change
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
like I'll be fine
9:41 a.m. - 2020-08-19