First night alone again and I slept peacefully and the nightmares totally disappeared. I actually had a pleasant dream where I woke up laughing, instead of screaming. In one night, my sleep schedule returned to its healthy state and my head feels clearer. Of course I woke up with a different set of uncomfortable feelings like heartache and worries but, somehow that feels better than the alternative.
The problem isn't (necessarily) him. Or anyone. I just feel people's feelings, and all their problems become mine too. When he feels bad, I feel a thick depression in the air that feels like my legs are shackled to heavy weights, or I feel fear in my stomach. My intuition never fails, especially if my gut makes me feel anxiety around someone. There's always a reason, and if I don't know why initially, a horrible truth is always revealed if I investigate it. Previous investigations were too traumatizing so I don't seek answers anymore. I just trust my gut and the universe and que sera sera. This boy, as much as I do love him, carries addiction in his genes and an assortment of emotional issues that make me feel like my daily functioning is happening in quicksand. And like my brain is struggling to work with constant radio interference and interruptions to the point where I'm useless and exhausted.
It's tragic, and I don't want to be the tragic heroine or the classic martyr. I want to be the person who rose above every obstacle and prevailed when everyone thought I'd wither away or go mad. I'm too imaginative and stubborn for such a boring ending. That was my mom's path. I'm writing a different story for myself.
I'm sure I haven't seen the last of him. But it's funny how we can romanticize missing someone. How we cling to moments and memories and dramatize a look in their eyes, or a hug goodbye, or the last time we laughed. Or how we worry that they can't survive without us. As if there aren't billions of other people. As if we all aren't in a constant state of evolution, a new opportunity at every moment, if we choose to embrace it.
Happy memories:
walking through an airport in a new country for the first time.
Today's affirmation:
I can be strong as a gift to myself.
Today I will focus on shifting my pattern of:
abandoning myself just because i feel things.
I am grateful for:
material stability, pets, music, having options in life, coffee, herbalism
The person I am becoming will experience more:
intentional vow to live alone - and no more being swayed by pity
I accomplished:
meditated, journaled, slept well and woke up early
I have an opportunity to be my future self today when I:
welcome changes as they come
When I think about who I am becoming I feel:
that i've grown and almost earned my age.
10:16 a.m. - 2020-08-20