I know my writing is getting repetitive. The recurring theme is 'I was so at peace -- until I talked to the alcoholic.' Although he's not the only one I always regret talking to. I basically have stopped enjoying talking to people at all for the time being. It's much easier for me to disconnect right now.
I was pleasantly spaced out learning obscure things and enjoying the peace and quiet when he called. I didn't want to answer, but, he's homeless, and was saying how much he misses me and needs a hug, so I'd feel like a shit person if I deliberately ignored him. So I suffered through what felt like an hour of him talking, telling me how good it is to talk to me, while I was crying out of view of the video lens while he talked about people who make food at home and deliver food to all the homeless people. Good people. Not like me, the person with only one goal which is to maintain emotional equilibrium as much as possible during a time when everyone seems to be suffering mental illness, among other major challenges. It's a lot to take in, and I don't have a PhD in psychology. But everyone seems to think I do. I just... want.. to be left alone right now.
I did a brief meditation immediately after talking to him because I felt substantially worse after the (one-sided) conversation. This whole thing is really exhausting and I wish I'd never dated him but here I am, still answering the phone. And I can't really break up with him NOW, while his situation is so awful. That could be the last thing to push him over the edge. He's sober and doing his best. It's just that I don't want to be involved, at all, with anything or anyone right now. Maybe I also don't want to be pushed over the edge... and that edge feels closer every time I talk to him.
This is quite the challenge for me, boundaries-wise. His consequences are not my responsibility. But I have just enough strength to be empathetic enough to uncomfortably listen. The highlight of his day is the worst part of mine, and that's the sad part. Who wants to be pitied like that? I wouldn't. If I knew I was causing someone this much discomfort I'd prefer if they didn't answer the phone, unless it was a major emergency.
I'm just going to keep reminding myself it's okay to distance myself. I did tell him I wasn't in the mood to talk but he kept talking anyway... I'll just not answer next time I guess. Texts are less draining, I can respond to those.
I feel like I've trapped myself in the same kind of arrangement my sister-in-law deals with. They don't live together anymore but they still talk every day, and every time he has an episode she frantically tries to reach me, as if there's something I can do to save him. I got tired of his foolishness a long time ago. Why does it take so many women for him to be okay? Nobody does that for me. He's OLDER than me, yet my whole life he ran to me like I was mommy. Clearly the whole pattern is repeating now and it's pretty annoying to be honest.
He, and a couple other men, are still bugging me to hang out and I'm getting tired of repeating myself that I don't want to. It's just part of being a woman I guess but I really hate it. They need to invent pacifiers for adult men because they all remind me of crying babies, screaming for a boob to grab onto.
I am grateful I don't have kids. I hereby forgive my parents for any mistakes they made and any grudges I once had because this shit is exhausting. Who needs it.
9:27 p.m. - 2020-09-08