The tables have turned this year for me. For the last few years I felt abandoned, lonely, and bored waiting for people to have time in their busy work schedules for me. By this year I had learned to appreciate solitude. Meanwhile all the people I had been waiting for suddenly found themselves alone with an urgent desperation to talk to me. Perhaps they are going through the painful inner revolution I already went through. I can relate, but I'm not there anymore, and I don't want to revisit it. It's a dark uncomfortable place, and I am reminded of how it felt with every anguished negative social media post I see. I don't like it because I see myself, a year or two ago. Trapped by my own damn self. It's hard to have tolerance for that mindset now.
Now that I'm taking a big long break from flowing with anyone other than myself (and my plants and animals) I feel really different. I feel less weighed down by everyone else's moods. It feels like vacation. I am now fluidly merging with my own soul, dancing in my own light.
I dreamed I was with my friend on a double-date vacation and she was doing her multiple-personalities thing where she pretends I don't exist. (She actually was diagnosed with multiple personalities, I'm not just being mean.) I was going through the motions, as usual trying to keep morale up and the energy fun for the rest of us while she did her dissociative silent treatment routine. I don't miss that. Although most of the time she didn't revert to her 6 year old trauma victim self, it was always hovering like a threat over our fun times, her erratic ways causing frequent disappointments when she'd continuously cancel or forget plans that she herself made. I don't miss it. I seem to be able to count on myself, I'm a better reliable source of support, and when the only moods I need to contend with are my own, life seems so manageable and easy, and I cry waaaay less.
My breakfast spread this morning is dried figs, seeds, a homemade sweet potato muffin, and coffee with lion's mane and chaga and I have nothing to complain about.
7:55 a.m. - 2020-09-15