I'm hurting so that means I'm hiding under a blanket sipping the rest of the Alcoholic's wine as an edible wears off and listening to my angry feminist / pep talk spotify playlist, and periodically adding frivolous sugary items I don't need and anything that smells good to my grocery delivery cart.
My ex came over today and brought his beautiful cat and did my dishes and fixed my door, so that was hugely helpful. I'm still so angry and the simplest things feel really hard and I feel like crying every hour but I'm stubborn so I'm trying and I've been through this a million times before so I know I can survive this bullshit. I really miss having fewer emotions but I know they'll taper down in no time.
So I have a new idea to get out of my funk quicker by listing 20 gratitudes at a time, because 2020 is hard and I didn't make it this far to fucking fail now. Goddammit let's try it:
1. dish mountain is clean now
2. my door works again!
3. Billie Holiday - Baby I Don't Cry Over You
4. my cat was very very affectionate this morning. she knows.
5. my rodent fell asleep resting her chin on my hand. i love her so much.
6. warm clothes from the dryer
7. my bomb ass grocery cart
8. Victoria Spivey - He Wants Too Much (how relatable)
9. my freshly-ish dyed hair looks way too nice for no one to be seeing. i should remedy that.
10. the Goddess book club i joined of like-minded feminist nerds
11. material stability
12. the wholly unnecessary glitter eyeliner i bought myself because sparkles are pretty and i r woman
13. i've already survived most of 2020! woohoo!
14. i know some pretty cool people
15. i can kinda do anything i want at any moment i choose. there's no rules in life other than maybe avoiding jail
16. feminist spoken word poetry that hits me in the uterus
17. erykah badu - tyrone: "i think you betta call tyrone and tell him come on help you get your shittt" haha YASS
18. wine, probably
19. edibles
20. Cigarettes After Sex - Cry (although admittedly i liked it better before i found out its a male vocalist. oh well.)
21. music in general, especially when it captures a mood you're feeling in your soul
22. cleaned my art desk in preparation for marathon art therapy sessions *pushes up sleeves*
23. diaryland
24. humans like moodswing <3
25. the fact that i just did five more gratitudes than originally intended. maybe i'll keep going. it's not like i have anywhere to be!
26. roy orbison - all his songs really but currently Shahdaroba since it is playing now
27. emotions. sure why not. it's proof i'm alive, right? proof i have depth of soul
28. the hope that this political circus might maybe soon be coming to a close pleasepleasepleasefingerscrossed
29. dance, yoga, body movement. it feels good to have a body when its dancing
30. that i had a goddamn lot of experiences before covid. i lived to the fullest and i'm glad that i traveled and learned and studied and never really shied away from trying anything new or having new adventures, which, considering how shy i am, is really quite an accomplishment in itself. i've probably lived more than most 80 year olds. i will fight them! jk
31. Peaches - Serpentine. lol. i saw her live twice, that was fun... i like her energy. how can you not.
32. my eclectic taste? ha ha
ok i'm done. and that did make me feel better, even though i can't even follow my own directions.
7:21 p.m. - 2020-10-25