When I had a therapist last year she pointed out that I had a lot of unreliable people in my life with addict behavior who weren't a very good support system. She suggested I join a community of conscientious people who care about keeping commitments, like al-anon or something similar, which didn't interest me in part because many of those groups suggest having a belief in "god", which I don't disagree could be helpful, it's just the whole god is a He/Him thing that I really can't connect with for a multitude of reasons, perhaps the most obvious reason being that males don't create life. It is the womb that creates life, no matter how much arrogant males historically enjoy taking credit for things they didn't do, while women remain anonymous or censored.
Sidenote, until this year(?) by law Afghan women's names were not included on their own children's birth certificates or even on their own tombstones.........
Anyway, having some form of spirituality seemed like something that might help me get my shit together, so I started thinking about it. I have a history degree, so I started getting really interested in ancient religion, the more ancient the better, and all roads point to an original Goddess in the Neolithic era. Male gods simply did not yet exist, anywhere on earth, except as diminutive children. Sounds about right.
I think I found an appropriate community of conscientious types of the sort my therapist would approve. I've stumbled into a growing group of women from a primarily Jewish/mixed background who are as interested in learning our Goddess roots as I am, and honoring the divine feminine within, which is a cool way for me to heal and practice self love in a world that sucks god's dick without questioning why or recognizing who is harmed by shaming and traumatizing the real creators of nations who biologically contribute the majority of dna, and childcare... It matters.
I hope I don't sound like I'm proselytizing, I'm just glad I found something that fits, because that's hard for me. Spirituality is a weird and personal thing, and doesn't come naturally to someone as overly-analytical as me who likes science and feels that equality is the only way society will improve. It's also nice to feel enthusiastic about something and have somewhat of a sense of community again, albeit online 2020 style, but I'm not complaining. I don't feel like I need to explain myself to these women or risk being misunderstood, so that's refreshing. I have this whole world in me that some of my closest friends wouldn't understand because my identity is so specialized and specific and I don't really like needing to explain and teach and be on different wavelengths all the time. I've been more paranoid than usual about antisemitism these past four years (gee i wonder why) and have seen some shit and questioned some friends' perceptions and felt a stronger than usual need to find comfort in people who are feeling the same ways about the same things, to fulfill that part of me that I sense my friends don't understand. Human stuff.
That's it for my random ramble session today. Gratitude time:
1. lions mane
2. phone
3. internet
4. coffee
5. that i feel a lot more grounded and even-tempered (so far) today
6. that i was called to assist someone who lost a family member yesterday, which helped me forget my own grief for awhile and made me feel useful to be able to comfort someone
7. feeling that age has improved my ability to know what i want and communicate it clearly
8. that feeling when your period is almost over and you start feeling hopeful and grounded and strong again
9. the extra-strength saffron tincture i'll be making to survive whatever's next as the weather cools
10. change is in the air
11. that autumn feeling of cold aired crunchy leafed nostalgia that puts poetry back in your daydreams
12. the different kinds of love you get from different kinds of people
13. the refreshing silence outside right now
14. waking up and seeing a clean art area and clean sink
15. tall sunny windows
16. plants
17. good memories
18. maturity
19. flavors, sensations, colors, scents, sounds, perception, dreams
20. being a woman.
11:21 a.m. - 2020-10-26