I only got to go leave my apartment once (?) possibly twice, since I think August, because the Alcoholic left like two days after the fires stopped, when we'd planned to do all the hikes. Maybe I'm crazy for being afraid to go outside alone, or maybe it's because last night someone was shot outside my window, and the day before someone was kidnapped at gunpoint a block away, and every time I read the news someone else was raped or assaulted. There is only one day left of reasonable weather and then I'll be cold for months. I could have used the vitamin D and I am very resentful about it. It's not enough that men are ruining the planet, they have to make it unsafe for me to fulfill such a basic need as feeling the sunlight on my skin. Oh also, they took away reproductive rights for my parent friends in Louisiana. Men are evil abhorrent disgusting pieces of shit.
A UK study found that covid ages your brain by 10 years so I don't feel like risking that by seeing anyone else. Oh well. Winter solstice isn't too far away. I have enough tequila to mend my heart and my resentment about missing the sunlight on my skin for several more months. After everything I did for him, my only request went unmet. Welp.
I'm starting to run low on edibles so I'm going to start cutting them in half so I can wean myself off them gradually. Then I'll probably drink cocktails as needed until I run out of the shitbag's tequila. And then, it will be Spring, and hopefully, by then it will be safer to go outside and we won't live in a fascist nazi dictatorship. At least if I get raped again I can get an abortion in this state. Did I mention that I hate men yet in this paragraph? No I think I did not. I hate men.
Depressed, resentful, helpless feelings come and go, but I'm still eating. I even did yoga yesterday, and vacuumed and did dishes and laundry with my anxious election energy.
I'm so sad every time I think of the Alcoholic. And how I miss doing things with friends. I'm still functioning, but, fairly miserable off and on throughout the day. I probably need to schedule a good cry soon, or watch a sad movie so I can get rid of this awful emotional constipation. Or watch Jennifer's Body. Yeah, maybe I'll sit myself down and have a day long movie marathon with myself. Midsommar, Jennifer's Body, and other such films to soothe my rage. I feel like I already have seen all the feminist comedy I could find, but maybe there's more relatable gems waiting to be discovered. I should make a list.
I guess I should do a gratitude list too while I'm here. I'm grateful for tequila and weed. I'm grateful that this election shit show will all be over soon. I'm grateful for all my happy memories. And that even when I'm filled with rage depression and heartache, I am still able to laugh sometimes. Grateful for freshly washed hair and the pretty colors it is fading into. Grateful for clean dishes. Grateful for my bathtub and the smell of my soap. Grateful for the candles I'll soon make, and pottery I'll soon make, and the rosewater hibiscus face mist I'll soon make. I have a little self-care station in a corner of my room that sort of looks like an altar. It's filled with perfumed things and tinctures and lotions and herbs to take when I need a tiny boost. I'm glad I made it so that when I panic or get very sad, I can just walk over to it and select the perfect remedy, or every remedy. I also have lots of incense and candle and essential oil options... I'm like the witchy bookstores I used to love so much when I was a teenager. Oh and I have all the best books too, especially the ones lined up next to the bathtub beside the palo santo, which is one of my most favorite ways to de-stress. I romance myself on a regular basis in all these ways. I am my own ideal lover and best friend.
4:18 p.m. - 2020-11-04